Doomish
by Taki-kun
Summary: Enter Cloud the bounty hunter. He makes a living by hunting criminals duh! One day he meets a pretty girl. What will happen? summary stinks so make sure to check Warning: AU, Major OOC, possible crackfic who knows!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Enter: Cloud the bounty hunter. He makes a living by hunting criminals(duh!) One day he meets a pretty girl. What will happen? (summary stinks so make sure to check)  
Rating: T (I'm unsure if that will go up or not... guess we'll have to see)  
Warnings: Probably Crackfic. Ridiculous OOC-ness

* * *

"I'm going!"  
"Take care."  
Grinning, he waved to Tifa and Vincent and walked out to the rundown garage.  
Pulling out a small rusted key, he put it in the lock on the door, gave it a few kicks, and it eventually opened to reveal his pride and glory; Fenrir.  
Still grinning for some inane reason, he pressed the button to open the garage and jumped on Fenrir while he waited for it to open.  
1... 2... 3 seconds, and he shot out of the old garage and onto the street. Quickly turning round the corner he soon arrived at the main street. After a few minutes of weaving his way through the traffic, and dodging rocks thrown at him by a few passers-by that nearly got run over, he stopped at a rundown looking shop and jumped off the motorcycle.  
Still grinning for abosolutely no reason whatsoever, he stepped up onto the pavement and entered the store.

Standing the counter was a burly looking man. One of his arms was a gun, while the other had a flaming skull tattoo.

He walked up the counter, grinning all the while, and started talking to the man.  
"Hey Barrett, got any jobs for me today?"  
The man called Barrett looked up at him, staring at him.  
"Nothing man."  
After a few moments of staring at each other, he continued.  
"Whats with that smirk foo'? I told you ain't got nothing for you!"  
He continued to grin in an asnine way  
"'kay Cloud no matter how much you freak me out I still ain't got nothing that ain't a full days travel away."  
Cloud jumped up and banged his fists on the counter with excited wide eyes.  
"I'll take it! Anything!"  
Barrett sighed and turned to rummage through a stack of messily piled papers, eventually pulling out one.  
"Here ya go. Its all the way out at Middie(*) though."  
Cloud grinned even more and grabbed it from him.  
"Thanks Barrett!! I'll go do this right away!"  
He skipped out of the shop leaving a sputtering Barrett behind.  
After jumping on his motorcycle and beginning to weave through the traffic once again, he pulled out the paper from his pack and started reading it.  
"Watch it!"  
"You crazy person!"  
"So this is what they mean by 'road rage'..."  
Grinning he flipped them off and pulled out onto the highway.  
He looked down at the paper again.  
**Name: Auron  
Bounty: 50000 gil  
Wanted: Dead or Alive**  


* * *

  
Umm. this was originally intended as a single chapter crackfic of doom.  
Well, It will probably still be a crackfic of doom in the end. (and probably one chapter at that.)  
No, this is not going to contain CloudxAuronxCloud. So go away you yaoi fangirls. There isn't any of that to see here. Maybe some implied SephirothxCloud in later chapters... Who knows. It's going to be a 'crackfic' at any rate.  
*Middie: Nickname for Midgar  
A very short chapter. Maybe I'll write some more if people are interested.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Enter: Cloud the bounty hunter. He makes a living by hunting criminals(duh!) One day he meets a pretty girl. What will happen? (summary stinks so make sure to check)  
Rating: T (I'm unsure if that will go up or not... guess we'll have to see)  
Warnings: Probably Crackfic. Ridiculous OOC-ness

* * *

_  
A few hours later_

Cloud is speeding down the highway on the wrong side of the road, when suddenly a loud sputtering is heard.  
"Huh? What's that?"  
He pulls to the correct side of the road, and the sputtering stops.  
"Must be my imagination."  
He returns to the wrong side and the sputtering begins again.  
"Again? My imagination is having fun today."  
However, the sputtering increases and he pulls over to hit himself upside the head.  
"Stupid" Hit "bloody" hit "over-active" big hit "imagination!"  
Suddenly, a thick stream of smoke puffs out of the engine of his motorcycle before it turns off.  
"Ah crap." He sighs with the omnipotent grin on his face.  
He looks around for a few minutes and spies a nearby gas station.  
"How convenient! Its just over there." He says excitedly before getting off his bike to push.  
After a few minutes of pushing and not getting very far he stops and wipes his brow to get the sweat.  
"This is gonna take a while...  


* * *

  
_Verrrry_ short chapter...  
But this is due to the fact that I wrote out what each chapter will contain and due to the fact I suck at writing. Reviews are appreciated, while Flames get sodomized with a wire brush.


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: Enter: Cloud the bounty hunter. He makes a living by hunting criminals(duh!) One day he meets a pretty girl. What will happen? (summary stinks so make sure to check)

Rating: T (I'm unsure if that will go up or not... guess we'll have to see)

Warnings: Probably Crackfic. Ridiculous OOC-ness

* * *

_-A few more hours later...-_

"Phew. Finally." he fell to the ground in a panting slump, basking in the cool breeze that had begun to pick up.

"Man, why is Fenrir so damn heavy...?"

He sighed, still grinning.

"Hey, you can't sleep there!" A voice said from above him as his eyes slipped closed.

He sat up and looked at the owner of said voice. She had long blue hair and an x-shaped scar on her face.

"Huh? I wasn't sleeping." He scratched the back of his head, confused.

She put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Sure you weren't."

He grinned even more. "Ha so maybe you caught me."

She sighed and offered him to get up.

"Thanks." He said and took it.

Now that they were standing eye to eye, she took a glance at his bike.

I love my a xylem

"Did your bike break down?" She said looking back at him.

He nodded. "Yeah. Do you know where I can get it fixed? I'm on my way to somewhere important."

A slight upturn of her lips. "I can fix it for you."

He grinned even more. "Really? Thanks!"

She grinned, mirroring his expression. "Its no trouble, not like I have anything else to do right now!"

She suddenly whistled loudly, as if calling for something. "Xemnas! Get your ass out here and help me with this bike!"

A few moments later, a boy about the same age as Cloud walked out of the gas station and made his way over to them. "Bike?"

She sighed. "Yes. This bike broke down and I need you to help me get it over to the garage."

He twirled a strand of his ling silver hair before advancing on the bike. "Whatever."

She growled and put her hands on the bike as well. "One... Two... Three... Up!"

They managed to lift it up and after quite a bit of grunting and heaving they managed to get it to the garage.

Xemnas wiped his brow and walked back to the gas station. "Later."

The blue haired girl glared at his retreating back. "Why you... Asshole!"

She drew in a deep breath before continuing. "I'll get started now, so why don't you go inside to the café and have a coffee or something?"

Cloud shrugged. "Okay."

She grinned and turned back to the bike. "Now to figure out what's wrong with it..."

She sighed softly, in her own little world that contained cars and tires and engines and other such things.

Cloud walked towards the café, still grinning, and opened the doors.

Xemnas stood at the counter, wiping the bench. when Cloud walked in, he looked up with a bored look on his face. "What can I get for you."

Cloud walked up to the counter. "A latté, please."

Xemnas nodded and walked off to make the coffee, twirling his hair the whole way. "So... What brings you to these parts?"

Cloud leaned against the bench. "I'm travelling to Midgar for a job."

Xemnas pushed a button on the coffee maker and walked back to stand opposite Cloud at the counter. "Where you coming from?"

Cloud turned around and leaned facing him. "Nibelheim."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "I heard its cold."

Cloud grinned. "Kinda.

_-Ping.-_

Xemnas walked back over to the coffee machine and pushed another button.

He walked back over to Cloud. "So what sort of job is it?"

Cloud looked at him intensely, still grinning. "I'm going after a criminal for a 20000 gil bounty."

Xemnas grinned. "Sounds fun."

Cloud grinned back. "I guess so. But not so fun when you don't get the bounty.

_-Boom-._ The coffee machine exploded, hot coffee flying everywhere.

Xemnas kicked it for good measure, and it spurted some more coffee at him, so that he was even more soaked than before. "Aw fuck. This'll never come out..."

He turned to Cloud. "You ok?"

Cloud laughed. "I'm slightly more caffeinated, but overall I'm fine."

Xemnas mirrored his laugh. "Glad to hear it."

Cloud looked at the floor sullenly. "But what about all this mess?"

Xemnas shrugged. "Saix can clean it up this time."

Cloud looked at him questioningly. "Saix?"

Xemnas stared at him. "The girl from before. You know, with that scar."

Cloud grinned. "Ah. Her."

Xemnas rolled his eyes.

_-Ding-a-ling-a-ling-_

Both of them turned to the opening door.

Saix stepped through and gaped at the mess. "What happened?!"

Xemnas twirled his hair and looked away. "It blew up."

She sighed. "Why did it blow up? Did you put something stupid in it?"

Xemnas glared at her. "No. it blew up for no reason."

Saix glared back. "It blew up for a reason. Spill."

Xemnas rolled his eyes again. "Maybe its -_broken-_."

Saix sighed again. "Whatever. Just clean up this mess."

Xemnas glared at her some more. "I cleaned it last time it blew up. This is -_your-_ turn."

Saix huffed and turned to Cloud. "I actually came here to tell you your bike is fixed."

He looked at her with wide, hopeful eyes and the ever present grin. "Really?"

She smiled brightly and threw him the key. "Yep!"

He caught it and grinned even more. "Thank you!"

She smiled some more. "It's no trouble."

But he didn't hear her as he ran out the door to his bike.

Xemnas walked up the Saix. "Clean it up now."

Saix smirked mischievously and leaned towards him. "I have a better idea."

And with that, your imagination became M-rated... But sadly, not this fanfiction.

* * *

XemnasxFemmeSaix For the win.

O-wow. 1,044 words. New record. YAY!

Reviews are appreciated, while Flames get sodomized with a wire brush.


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